#1: Emily's Unmedicated Life
- Sarah Shirley
- Oct 16, 2018
- 6 min read
Updated: Oct 18, 2018
Welcome to the very first entry of Say That Again, an interview series by ADHD folk for ADHD folk and those who want to understand them better. For this premier interview, I got to settle my rattled nerves by interviewing a friend from my old church camp days, Emily! Emily is incredible. She's 23 and a graduate student studying paleoclimatology and geochemistry. She likes working with her hands, creating art through sculpting, drawing, and woodworking. She loves being with nature - hiking, kayaking, camping. A real Renaissance woman. And unbeknownst to me until just a few days before this interview, she was diagnosed with ADD.
When did you get diagnosed with ADD?
In the middle of 11th grade.
What led to you getting tested then?
So I was 17. It’s actually kind of a long story so it may take me a second to type it.
Go right ahead. Give me as short or as long answers as you want. I'm here to help you tell your story.
So at my high school you could go through the school to get tested. I identified with the diagnosis a lot and asked my mom to get my school to test me when I was 14. The first step in the school’s process was to ask all of my current teachers if they thought I should be tested (which probably isn’t the best method). I was smart enough to get good grades and wasn’t disruptive so 100% of my teachers said no. Then, I wasn’t able to finish any of my semester exams my 11th grade year and people finally realized something was up. I then got tested and the person who tested me was shocked I hadn’t already been diagnosed and thankfully I qualified for extended testing time.
That's very interesting! So when you were 14, what did you hear about the diagnosis that really resonated with your experience?
I always thought my level of focus and train of thought were normal, but when my friends and I were talking about it I found out they weren’t nearly as distracted as I was. A pen clicking or a fish tank bubbling would completely drown out the teacher. My mind just constantly jumped from thought to thought in unrelated ways. It’s like I would go to class but wasn’t really “there” no matter how hard I tried to pay attention.
Oh man, not being "there" is exactly how I've talked about being in class before. Like I was technically present, but not a "part" of the class.
Exactly, and I constantly have to be fidgeting with something. My “notes” are all doodles and grocery lists and other “to-do” lists.
Yes! On my better days, I'd have an honest attempt at notes in the middle of the paper and tons of little doodles on the edges. On bad days I didn't even attempt the notes and just drew full page doodles.
So the school gave you extra testing time after your diagnosis. Were you medicated then too?
I was medicated for the remainder of my junior year but the medication lead to depression. It got super bad and I didn’t realize it until I got off of it for the summer. I still don’t use medication. And the school gave me my diagnosis but I still went to my pediatrician for my diagnosis. I then had to go after school two days in a row for tests to qualify for extended testing. But the two were linked. I still have a prescription, but a prescription that’s supposed to last me a month lasts me a year.
The fact that you usually forgo medication is really fascinating to me. I'm an every day user, and thankfully I don't get too severe of side effects from it. I don't know what I would do without it. How do you manage every day life, especially school and your work, off of medication?
Honestly, it’s really tough. I started off with Vyvanse and that’s what caused the depression. I already have pretty high anxiety and it made my anxiety significantly worse. I’ve tried other things and they aren’t as bad but I just hate the way they make me feel. That’s why I keep my prescription. As I’m sure you probably know, some days are worse than others and I can feel when I’m having a worse day. When that happens, I’ll take some. I get frustrated sometimes because I know I’d be doing better in classes and life if I was medicated, but I just can’t bring myself to face those side effects again. Being unfocused and unorganized, in my opinion, was better than the way the medication made me feel.
How would you describe the days that are worse for you?
You know when you have way too many tabs open on your browser? It’s the days where my mind feels like that. It always kinda feels like that but on the worse days, it’s like my brain won’t stay on one tab long enough to accomplish anything and just keeps clicking from tab to tab. It’s kind of overwhelming.
Such a good analogy! Yes! I know for me, during the worse days like that I also tend to start feeling emotionally numb. Do you get that ever?
About half the time. It’s either a full on panic attack (again high anxiety) or just completely numb. And in both cases if I don’t take anything, I end up doing anything to avoid focusing on the different things I should be focusing on. Like instead of thesis work, I’ll binge watch Netflix.
So much so. I remember so many times in college just sitting on my phone while seated in front of an empty Word document, outwardly scrolling casually and inwardly screaming and begging myself to do my work.
I love talking to other people with ADD. I’m sorry you have to deal with these things, but also it makes me realize I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Me too! That's so much of why I knew I wanted to do this project. I feel like ADD/ADHD is a strangely isolating condition. Like our culture doesn't see it as a big deal, so we don't see it as a big deal and end up still feeling like our issues are because of character defects instead of a literal difference in our brain development that plenty of other people share.
My fiancé doesn’t have ADD and communicating is very interesting. A lot of the time it’s hard for him to keep up because I’ll cycle through so many topics at once. And it’s hard for me to start one topic and finish it before moving on. Ha! My mom also has ADD while my dad doesn't, and every time she randomly jumps to a new subject with no transition he says, "Use your blinkers, babe."
I love that 😂
I've seen a lot of controversy on some of the ADHD forums that I peruse about whether or not ADD/ADHD is a "gift." You know how some people think of it as a super power because people with the condition tend to be particularly creative and empathetic? What are your thoughts on that?
In some ways I think it is a gift but it’s definitely a gift I wish I could return most of the time. I definitely think it makes me more creative but it also makes it hard to function like a “normal” person. It also gives me the ability to multitask even when I don’t want to.
Ha, "even when I don't want to" indeed. Okay, last question. Is there anything about your experience with ADD that you wish everyone could know and be understanding about?
Oh that’s a hard one. Probably that sometimes I want so desperately to pay attention to what people, especially friends, are saying, and no matter how hard I try, my mind is thinking about 1000 other things. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean what the person is saying isn’t a priority to me. It just means I have ADD and can’t help it.
It continues to baffle me that anyone with more than the most mild case of ADD/ADHD can function in daily life largely without medication. In Emily's case, not just function, but thrive. On paper she's operating at an incredibly high level - graduate school in scientific specifications that many would struggle to spell, artistically ambitious, physically active. Anyone would be able to look to her as a role model. After listening to her speak about her struggles with wrangling her wildly racing thoughts, controlling her anxiety, and showing her friends that she really does care about them, I see her as even more of a role model. Knowing everything Emily has accomplished despite the daily struggles in her mind (and similarly in my own mind) is nothing short of inspirational. May we all have such strength. Be well.
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