#2: Everything's Coming Up Jared
- Sarah Shirley
- Oct 24, 2018
- 6 min read
At 19 years old, Jared is the same age I was when I was first medicated for ADHD. I remember that time being so hopeful after a long and difficult road to managing my symptoms. I wondered if this person had similar struggles.
After reaching out to me online to share his story, it quickly became apparent that Jared has a positive, bubbly personality. He seems like a guy I would have wanted to be friends with in college. Artistic and drawn to the spotlight, Jared is a Sophomore, working toward getting his BFA in Musical Theatre. Excited to find a fellow musical lover, I had to ask what his favorite musical is. West Side Story. Great choice.
I was excited to get to know this delightful young stranger.
So when were you first diagnosed with ADHD? And do you know what type you have?
I was diagnosed in early July of this summer with ADHD-C, or combined type.
What led to you getting diagnosed?
Well, I had been doing okay throughout high school (only failing two classes and always forgetting to do homework assignments/papers) and I seemed to enjoy most aspects of learning, so I never thought to get diagnosed. Then I got to college and it was a lot harder to get everything done on time or keep track of things in my Gen Eds. I thought it was just a problem with my work ethic and so I powered through the first semester, failing two classes and withdrawing from two others in one semester. Then, this was about February 2018, I was scrolling through Tumblr and found a master post about writing people with disabilities in a realistic and non-offensive way. When I got to the part about ADHD, I really resonated with the descriptions they were giving, so I decided to do some research. I took a few online diagnostic tests from different medical and psych websites and was checking off nearly 82% of all symptoms. I called my parents and they set up an appointment for a diagnosis.
Wow, that's great that you were able to stumble across some actually helpful information about ADHD in the wild. You mention failing a few classes in high school and college before being diagnosed. What were your parents' reactions to your struggles with grades before you considered ADHD?
We were all really at a loss. Nothing seemed to make sense, because on one hand, it seemed like I didn’t care or was just being lazy, but I constantly talked about how I loved school and wanted to go to college. I would say that I’m a relatively smart person, so that was something else that stumped my parents. “If he’s smart and wants to learn, why is he doing bad in SOME of his classes?” They’ve always been nothing but supportive of me, and helped me stay on top of my schooling, but it got a little frustrating and stressful at times for everyone involved.
What were you thinking about yourself during those times? I imagine you knew you cared, so how did wanting to do better but seeming unable to affect your self-esteem?
It was hard. A lot of times I would ask myself the same questions my parents did, and my answer was always “I don’t know.” After a while, you start believing that you’re just making up excuses for yourself. “If everyone else can do it, why can’t I?”
That's a really hopeless feeling. I completely relate. I think a lot of us do.
Are you medicated now?
Yes I am! I’m currently taking Vyvanse and have noticed a big improvement in my academic performance! It doesn’t affect my personality too much either which is a good thing haha!
That's great! I'm on Vyvanse now, but I started on instant release Adderall and I feel like I got kind of "coked up 80's Wall Street" for a little while. I definitely like the Vyvanse better. What did it feel like the first time you took your Vyvanse?
I feel that haha! I tested out Adderall and Ritalin at first, and they both just didn’t feel great for my body. But something that all three medications did was help me focus in class and help my hyperactivity. The way I described it to my roommates was like a really loud “hum” in the background that you only notice once it’s turned off. I took notes in all my classes (which I’d NEVER done before), I was sitting still during lectures and quiet moments during the day, I finally felt like the student I was trying to be for the past sixteen years of school.
Oh, I like that hum metaphor very much. That's really wonderful. Would you say that any part of your life outside of school has been impacted now that you're medicated?
I sometimes feel that my creativity is somewhat dampened when I’m on my medication, but not terribly. I also feel that it’s helped me not talk nonstop and think before I say/do things haha!
That's good! I know my impulsive nature off of medication got me into some trouble. It's great to feel in control.
So I've found in the ADHD community that there is a lot of controversy surrounding the idea of whether or not ADHD is a "gift." That it makes us creative and empathetic and is something to be happy to have. What are your thoughts on that?
I love that idea! My acting teacher this year actually also has ADHD, and he told me that while there’s some bad that comes with the disorder, there’s A LOT of good as well! I love being able to pick up people’s moods or the energy of a room! And while noticing a million things at once can sometimes suck, it’s been such a help in my life as well!
As Jared and I talked, I noticed how unshakably optimistic he seemed. In particular, I latched onto the way he described his path to getting diagnosed. "I had been doing okay throughout high school (only failing two classes and always forgetting to do homework assignments/papers) and I seemed to enjoy most aspects of learning, so I never thought to get diagnosed."
I reflected on my own high school career. I never failed a class, though I came very close many, MANY times. Every school year drew near a close with at least one of my teachers sitting me down for a "come to Jesus" moment. It was a rarity that I would take a final exam without first doing the math for what score I had to get in order to pass. I would do an entire year's worth of homework for half-credit in the last two weeks for the more forgiving teachers. I would never have described myself as "doing okay."
That's not a dig at Jared. I respect Jared, and believe he was on to something important.
My struggles through high school cut me deeply. Every failed test and forgotten homework made my body explode with shame. I suspected that in some ways I was smart, but for the most part I internalized my difficulties with school as proof that I was hopeless, stupid, and worthless. That belief bled into every part of my life. My self-esteem was in the garbage for a little over a decade. I still need to dig it out of there from time to time.
But Jared seemed to recognize something at that age that I didn't. Just because he struggled to do his assignments didn't mean that he was stupid. He's an intelligent guy! He enjoyed learning new things. He knew this about himself, and even when he struggled to learn the way he was expected to, he never let go of that fact. I did, for many years.
This is a lesson that I hope my younger readers especially take to heart. It is so easy to draw a direct parallel between the grades you make and your intelligence. Especially before graduating high school, when school is likely your life's primary focus. Grades are a constantly updating evaluation of you. But only a very specific part of you.
There are many different types of intelligence. I will never excel at math, but I have emotional intelligence out the wazoo. Some are more physically gifted, some love to take things apart and put them back together again, and some are drawn to the stage like Jared. No matter what your gifts are, it is important to acknowledge them and build on them as much as you can, in a way best suited to you. In time, your true gifts will help you flourish if you help them grow.
As every ADHD-ers' favorite mantra goes, "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
Be well.
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