#5: Discovering Blair

I promised I'd return, readers!

Today's interview with Blair is a surprising one. As you read you may find yourself as I did, swept up in conversation that feels a little less like a dialogue and a little more like rushing down a water slide, twisting and turning without the briefest pause. You have no idea where you'll end up, but you're not alone in that. Blair told me after the interview that they didn't even know they would speak so much about certain topics, especially their struggles with gender identity.

In therapy, I've been told to simply say whatever comes to mind, and to not worry about how relevant it seems. I think this allowance for one to talk from their gut can lead to interesting insight on the honest inner life of the person speaking. That's why I'm thankful to Blair for sharing their story with me with very little filter.

And because it kept me from needing to talk too much.

[Disclaimer: We discuss our gender identities, both of us having experience with considering the possibility of being transgender and later coming to the conclusion that neither of us are. This in no way invalidates people who are transgender. Do not take our stories as proof that being transgender is only a product of low self-esteem. Take our stories as proof that exposure to transgender issues allows all people to explore and discover themselves more completely, instead of limiting their existence to the strict expectations of what a man or a woman should be.]

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I’m Blair, I’m 17 years of age, a senior in high school, and I work at Subway. I am also in my school’s marching band where I got elected top leadership this year! I also love playing The Sims and spending time with my cats.

That awesome, congratulations on your top leadership! What does that award specifically mean? And what instrument do you play in band? (The Sims is so addictive omg...)

Top leadership is basically being able to run the band, along with the drum major and staff. I am relied on to help others on and off the field when it comes to marching or even just personal relationship problems. I play the piccolo, which is a high-pitched flute!

Ah, very cool! Sounds like you work well with others. Great skill. :) How old were you when you were diagnosed with ADHD? And do you know what kind you have?

I was diagnosed at 13. I have ADHD-I. And thank you !! :)

What led you to getting diagnosed at 13?

It really all started when I was around 10. I somehow ended up getting mononucleosis in 5th grade, god knows how. When I was told I had it, I was supposed to be in the few final stages before it went dormant. Months passed, and I was told that it should be all over now, but I could always get a flare up. My tiredness went away but my inattentiveness didn’t. I went through the reminder of 5th grade wondering what was wrong with me, since I was told the mono should be done with. I had a friend who had a brother with dyslexia. She told me about how he learns, how he reads, and how he functions. I really resonated with it. I basically self-diagnosed myself with dyslexia. Over the next few years, my grades drastically fell, I was failing all of my state standardized tests. I craved for a diagnosis of some sort. I never thought of ADHD. I went through 6th and 7th grade kind of okay. My grades kind of sucked but my parents didn’t really seem to care all that much. In 8th grade, I had an identity crisis of sorts which lead to me getting depression. I was having panic attacks almost three times a week. I was so emotionally numb for so long. With the mixture of my shitty grades and not knowing who I truly was, I basically fell apart and isolated myself from the few friends I actually had. I was going by the name Marcus and identified as transgender. I felt like I was supposed to be born a male, and that experience helped me a lot. I will touch back on this later. I had this good friend I met on Tumblr at the time named Jazmin. We sent each other care packages in the mail and I basically told her everything about my life. One night I told her everything about how I was feeling, how I was on the verge of suicide because nothing in my life was getting better and no one cared about my problems. I just wanted help, any sort of help, so I copied and pasted the whole conversation the two of us had into Word, printed it, and left the house for school that day with the paper on the counter. I came home that day with my mom acting strange, and the paper nowhere in sight. She eventually took me to my primary care doctor which lead us to a learning disorder specialist that was somewhat far away. I got a dyslexia test. Like how I wanted. I also was forced to get blood tests, because they felt like my depression was from hyper/hypothyroidism. I was so excited to tell Jazmin about everything. I didn’t hear anything about this for months on end. My mom never told me a single thing about this. I never knew about what I was diagnosed with or what happened, for a few months at least. Over those few months, Jazmin told me that she told her family that I was transgender. It really set me off. I told her it was a really big invasion of privacy, and she was still calling me Becca on a daily basis, so I blocked her on everything for not caring about my gender identity enough. I had another friend, Sky, who was also a trans guy. We both bonded over our mental illnesses and both of us being trans. He bought me my first binder. It truly made me happy. My mom told me a few months later that we were going to a special doctor not that far from home. It made me really wonder what was going to happen. It was a day after school in early-mid 8th grade, and we went to [redacted for privacy] Behavioral Health. I got tons of paper work asking about my depressive behaviors, and my panic attacks. After finishing, I met my psychiatrist. That is when I finally learned about what I had. My mom said to him as soon as we sat down, “So my daughter was diagnosed with ADD a few months ago...” and everything just clicked. During that appointment, he also diagnosed me with clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic disorder. She told my doctor she didn’t want me to be medicated and would rather go through with therapy. I knew from the start therapy wouldn’t help me. I’m not trying to hint I was trying to experiment with drugs or anything, I just had a gut feeling. I told Sky about everything and he agreed that I should just start my medication. I started out on Ritalin/Concerta long-release 36mg. Idk if this is relevant to the story, but eventually I dropped Sky after telling him I identified as more non-binary than male or female, and he didn’t believe that a third gender existed. I still identify as non-binary, I have dysphoria and all, but I got so used to being called my birth name and she/her pronouns that it doesn’t insanely bother me anymore. It also took me a long, long while to convince my mom to just give me the medication. Maybe like a month or two after the appointment was when she actually got the script filled.

That's a very interesting story! I have a few different questions. First, do you believe your identity crisis in 8th grade had anything to do with your undiagnosed ADHD? It sounds like you had a lot else going on at the time, but with the knowledge you have now about the condition, do you think it played a part in how tough of a time you were having?

Yeah, I feel like it had something to do with it. Maybe I was using it in a way to find happiness, to distract me from what was really going on. Either way, I know I would’ve discovered I wasn’t cisgender eventually. I don’t look back at that time in my life as good, even though my transition period was really a time for thought. If anything, the identity crisis just made things worse. People at school were outing me to others. It wasn’t fun.

Maybe you were using what as a way to find happiness?

Most likely, yeah. I wanted some sort of escape from what was really going on with me. It made me happy to know that I could somehow change my body to what I would want/need. But in the end, me identifying as male was most likely just something to distract me from my undying need to have a diagnosis. I stopped identifying as male around half way through my freshman year, when things began to get a little better. Been non-binary ever since.

I see now. It's interesting, I also went through a phase in high school where I really wondered if I was trans. I bound my chest and tested those waters. I went to therapy for it for a time and came out realizing that that was a symptom of larger self-image issues (that I'm positive my unmedicated ADHD contributed to). Now I'm comfortably cis, but in the David Bowie, "I'm this gender, but no one can tell me how to perform as this gender and I'll do it any way I want" way. Have you noticed significant changes in yourself or your self-esteem since starting your ADHD medication? On top of realizing that you're not a trans man, that is.

Yeah, I can easily say my self-esteem has gone up tremendously. I know for a damn fact I would’ve quit marching band if I wasn’t medicated. I was the worst marcher in my freshman class. If I wasn’t medicated, I probably would’ve gotten fired from Subway because I’m a total wreck without it. My medication has helped me pull through a lot of tough situations I probably wouldn’t have had the mental capacity to handle by myself.

What, for you, do you think the hardest part of having ADHD has been?

The worst part about having ADHD for me is easily my anger and my impulsiveness. I get frustrated really easily. When I was told that I had the possibility of being high leadership, the only thing that had my band director on the fence on giving it to me was how I snap quickly at people and don’t think twice about what I say. I just kinda open my mouth and spill my thoughts directly before my mind has time to think if the action is appropriate or not.

Has your anger and impulsiveness affected your relationships with friends or family?

Yeah, dramatically. One small outburst has started full out debates and arguments with me. It’s gotten better with my meds, though. My relationship with my mom is the one worth noting. We used to basically hate each other because of my attitude and the tone I always gave her. Our relationship was at the worst when I was in 8th grade. It’s a lot better now but we will occasionally fight over dumb stuff. It’s mainly about me coming home too late, driving people (I got my license a few months back, so she doesn’t want me driving people yet), how I spend my money, etc. When one person gives me even the slightest bit of attitude, I give it back x10 basically.

Okay, my last question. There's a controversial opinion that I've heard around suggesting that ADHD is a "gift" because it tends to make those that have it more creative and empathetic. What are your thoughts on this?

I have never thought of my ADHD as a gift. I can’t define it as a blessing or a curse, it’s just something that’s a part of me that I can’t really erase. I feel like I’m more creative than other people, but it’s so hard to express creativity with ADHD (for me at least). I used to write a lot of fan fiction, something I used to love, but it requires so much time I can’t really do it anymore. I have more of a negative connotation about my disorder than positive, but I guess some people can think of it positively? Just not me.

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Blair's answers, at first glance, read as almost impenetrably 17. They talk about Tumblr, online friendship drama, wearing their first binder, writing fan fiction. For some older readers, this could sound like the account of an alien from another planet by how different their own high school experiences were. But don't be distracted. Distilled down to its core elements, Blair's story is one that is very common among ADHD people.

Core elements:

1. Feeling like something is wrong with you, but not being able to put a finger on what that is. Not knowing poisons your well being more and more over time.

2. Parent(s) not deeply engaged in your life, missing or ignoring symptoms of mental health issues such as poor grades, isolation, emotional numbness, etc., thus not advocating for their child who is too young to advocate for themselves.

3. Stigma against ADHD (and many mental health issues) causes inaction or denial in parents even after diagnosis, leaving their child in the dark about their diagnosis, or treating the diagnosis as if it doesn't matter.

4. To cope with the feeling of not being in control of yourself that having ADHD causes, you look for other ways to feel in control of yourself.

ADHD does not go away when it is ignored. Not in your child, your loved ones, or yourself. As Blair said of their own experience, sometimes a lack of diagnosis or treatment can eventually kill you. I and many ADHD people I've spoken to have experienced suicidal thoughts before getting treatment because living with untreated moderate to severe ADHD is so profoundly demoralizing.

If you believe you or someone you care about may have ADHD, discuss it. It could save a life.

Before we go, here's a special little extra from me to you: proof of my own gender exploration period.

Note the unlit cigarette and the fedora. Oh, the things I used to think were cool...

And until next time,

Be well.