#6: Across the Sea with Sara
- Sarah Shirley
- Dec 5, 2018
- 8 min read
Before we start, I have a few words to say (and you can totally quote me on this). I would like to really, really thank you for what you're doing here. I don't get to talk a lot about my "disorder," (actually scratch that, I don't talk at all about it) and you doing these interviews is kind of like my only chance to do it but also to understand what other people with ADHD might feel like. So yeah, I appreciate it a lot.
Oh my gosh, thank you so much. It means so much to me that I can help people express themselves, especially about this condition that our culture seems to think is no big deal. No matter what you say, I will never consider your feelings about this "overly dramatic" or anything, so please feel free to be as honest as you like.
Welcome back, readers.
I hope you’re all having a lovely holiday season. For today’s interview I had the privilege of interviewing Sara, a passionate and surprisingly introspective person for her age.
I’ve enjoyed the introductions that the people I interview give themselves, so at least for now I’m going to continue allowing my guests introduce themselves. So, without further to do, meet Sara.
So, hi! my name is Sara, I'm 16 and I live in Morocco (that country in north Africa). It's my last year in high school so I'm still a full-time student (unfortunately). Hobbies include art, reading a lot, too much, also music, sports and those kinds of things. Man, I suck at introductions… I'm planning to make of art my profession and shut the mouth of all those who say that it will never work. Also, chocolate is the way to my heart.
Sara, I'm so excited to say that you're my first non-American guest! I was hoping to eventually get some international perspectives because I only know how American culture views ADHD, so I'm extra excited to get into that a bit. What kind of art do you do?
I mostly draw with pencils, realistic, faces, anime, cartoon-ish but also abstract. I recently put my mind into markers and paint. I started doing characters and portraits for almost a year now. I've been drawing since 2016, which isn't long compared to the people I know (most have been drawing they were like 10-ish).
Ah, consistent practice and challenging yourself matters a lot more than how long you've been doing it. I'm sure your art already kicks butt and will continue to only get better with practice. That's awesome! When were you diagnosed with ADHD?
Thanks, and yeah it totally does. Pretty recently, it was like last year around January-December, I don't exactly remember. I don't know much about the school system of America, but I know that ours is pretty different considering that it follows the French one. So, in 10th grade you get to choose from different options what you wanna concentrate on in the future. And in our school (it's a really well known one) we only have three, science-maths, experimental science and economy. Economy is well, really simple but it has a bad reputation, cause apparently only dumb people did it. Experimental Science is your average maths, physics and stuffs. It's the most popular. And then there was science-maths. It's hell, literally. There are only two classes and only the smart people did it. Cause the lessons were more difficult and you had to keep up with the fast rate. So because I was doing average in my 10th grade and I considered myself a smart one, my dumb ass said why not? And so me with ADHD (who didn't know it at the time) took the most difficult course and as you can guess it went awful.
Oh no! Tell me more about that. What was it like?
To make it short, I spend the first three months with a severe depression, and developed panic attacks and really, I was just feeling like shit most of the time. It's not that I didn't understand the lessons or anything, it's just that I ABSOLUTELY did not work at home. 11th grade for us is the first year of the baccalaureate. You have 12 lessons of history to learn - all around 3 pages each, 19 lessons of Islamic education - 2 pages at most, and French and Arabic. And you had to learn them by heart for the final year's exam.
That sounds difficult!
It was.
I also super struggled with ever doing homework at home. 99% of the time I just didn't. I either forgot, or I would sit down and try to start but just couldn't bring myself to do it, or already had so much stress and shame about the class that I avoided it to try and keep myself calm. I remember in my last year of high school I was so determined to do homework and try to rescue my GPA that I forced myself to do homework every night, but I almost always had to break down and cry before I could make myself do the work.
I totally get this. I didn't like Arabic, I found no use for Islamic Education, so I didn't learn. And because I'm a procrastinator, I told myself that I had all the rest of the year. but I did do my homework ‘cause you know I feared punishment.
Absolutely. I barely kept myself from failing every year with incredible effort because I felt like failure was absolutely not an option.
Yes, exactly.
So, what was the process like of getting diagnosed for you?
Wait, I'm getting at it. I was feeling like a complete failure and my parents weren't doing much to help. They just made it worse because they were always screaming and couldn't understand. So my mom was like, “Do you wanna go to therapy ?” You can't imagine my relief when she asked the question, I actually wanted to ask her for a long time but didn't know how and was just genuinely scared. So I went and the best/worst part was my 12 year old brother went too.
Did he go with you? Like, talked to the same therapist at the same time as you? Or were his appointments separate?
No, like separate.
Gotcha.
Because he had behavior problems. I was really anxious to go and I'm a generally introverted person, so talking to my therapist was like trying to extract top secret information from me. So around January my therapist casually dropped, "you have depression, anxiety and concentration disorders." That same day my brother learned he was hyperactive.
How did you feel getting that diagnosis?
I was shocked, like really shocked. I was absolutely not expecting it. With my brother it was really obvious cause he's always full of energy. But me? I never saw it coming. I mean I always knew that I was different, that something was "wrong" with me. I spent 90% of my childhood in my head, hardly payed attention to anything I wasn't interested in, but still... It just explained soooooooooo much.
Did you start medication for your ADHD when you got diagnosed?
No, I didn't, never had any medication. I actually quit therapy around March because I was doing better and, you know, money. So, I have no idea what it's like to be normal.
I'm sorry to hear that. Was there a reason why you didn't start medication?
No, the therapist didn't suggest it. She wanted to try other methods first (which absolutely did not work) and my mom was like, “You don't take medication unless there's no other choice.”
Do you think they were both hesitant about medicating you because that's just how they specifically felt about it, or is there a larger culture of skepticism in Morocco around ADHD or mental health in general?
You gotta understand that Morocco is a conservative country. Religion dictates the way, and people with power dictates the religion. So most of Moroccans don't even know what ADHD means. I didn't know it was a mental illness until last year, we don't even talk about it. But for most of the people who have received good education it's ok to get help. But you still have those stigmas and stuff. Like I had a friend in class last year who had pretty bad anxiety. She used to have severe panic attacks in class and I still remember hearing a classmate saying that she shouldn't be in class and that she should be internalized. But we also had teachers trying to raise awareness.
I have to say, that is very insightful. I don't think I could have looked at my country with that much critical thinking at your age. I'm thrilled to hear there are teachers there trying to help change this perception about mental health. What do you think has been the most difficult part of having ADHD for you?
I dunno to be frank, I think it's the reaction of the people around me, especially my family. Having ADD is my normal, it has always been my way and I actually manage pretty well. But there's always things like - "You could be so much more." "Why are you so lazy?" "You always forget what you want." - that just brings you down and it absolutely doesn't help, at all. Like, I understand that having 2 ADHD kids isn't easy, but they don't even try to understand. And it just pisses me off.
I completely get that. It's hard when people see symptoms of your condition and assume it's a character trait you've chosen to have instead of how your brain has been forming differently than other people's.
Wow, you managed to put into words. You can't see me, but I'm applauding right now.
Haha, I'm glad I could communicate that right! I think that's a big thing that most people don't understand. No one wants us to stop "being lazy" and "snap out of it" more than we do, and that's the difference between us and deliberately lazy, selfish people.
Yep.
Okay, winding down the interview now. I just have a couple more questions.
Shoot, I have time to procrastinate.
Ha! So there's a controversial opinion going around that ADHD is a "gift" because it supposedly gives us more empathy and creativity than the average person. What do you think about that?
I'm not a psychologist, but I think that the gift part is bullshit. I have read a lot about ADHD, watched a lot of videos, and from what I could see we all struggle a lot. People lose their jobs and their relationships because they don't know how to handle being different. It is possible that we have more empathy and creativity because of it (maybe), but that certainly doesn't make it a "gift.”
Last question. If you could go back in time and talk to yourself before you were diagnosed, recent past or when you were younger, what would you want to tell yourself?
That's a tough one. Something along the lines of, "You have ADD, get your shit together. You can't change who you are, accept it and don't worry. Everything will turn out ok."
Thank you so much for your time and participation, Sara! This has been a really fun and educational interview.
You're welcome, and I really appreciate you taking the time to hear me out.
The internet is incredible, isn’t it?
With a few key strokes, you can teleport from a family, friends, community, or country that doesn’t understand you to speaking directly to others who are in the same boat. I’ve felt lonely, I’ve felt misunderstood. But the stigma Sara has to fight against to find the help she needs is so much greater than my own.
This doesn’t make me feel like my problems are unimportant. This makes me feel that it is important for me to continue this project, to reach as many people as I can. I know how difficult life can be with the help I’ve gotten. It breaks my heart to think of others who are forced to have sub-par or no help for their condition because of forces outside of their control.
If you know anyone who could benefit from reading these interviews, I would so appreciate your help in spreading them. I don’t get money from it, I just want to spread the sense of community and understanding I get from them if I can.
And until next time,
be well.
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